The Three Gatekeepers

I sometimes come across a teaching that resonates so strongly with me that I want to share it with others. This is one such piece of wisdom. It is a Buddhist teaching that I came across years ago which has become a part of my internal process when deciding whether or not to tell someone something which may be hard to hear. According to traditional Buddhist teaching these are three gatekeepers your words must pass through before they leave your mouth: the words must first be true, they must secondly be kind and lastly, they must be necessary. True, kind and necessary. If words are true, but not kind or necessary you abuse the receiving person, bludgeoning them with the truth: It's true, therefore I have the right to say it. A lot of hurtful words and power dynamics get delivered in the wrapping of The Truth. If words are true and kind but not necessary, they are self-serving and manipulative. If words are necessary and true but not kind they will be met with resistance and defensive maneuvers and so will not accomplish their intended purpose. True in this sense does not mean absolute, carved in granite Truth, but represents your highest knowing, your feeling in the moment, what you genuinely perceive to be true. Kind does not mean that the words are empty platitudes or artificially nice, but that they are the most loving words you can say, even if they are painful. Necessary means that the words you say should serve a higher purpose, bring about a higher good or foster deeper understanding. If your words pass through all three gates, being true, kind and necessary, they will bring no harm to the other person and will pave the way for deeper understanding and closer shared intimacy.

Golden Medicine Buddha thangka courtesy of Mark Taylor, Round River Retreat Center, Genoa, WI. Thangka painted by Tashi Dhondub.